Book Review: The Historian
Sweet zombie jeebus on a toasted cracker, will this book not END?
I picked up The Historian from the library only because Bram Stoker’s Dracula is one of my favorite novels. I didn’t realize I was in for a Nancy Drew potboiler rife with Dickensian coincidences and cliff-hangers that would do even Dan Brown proud. (Yes, I read that one, too, but that was only because my brother introduced me to Holy Blood, Holy Grail at a tender and impressionable age. Also, I’m an idiot who for one brief, shining movement had faith in the taste of the American reading public.)
The overtly formal, fusty prose the author employs doesn’t just scream of pretension, it’s also godawful writing. Observe:
“Where did he take Rossi?” His eyes blazed. It was a shocking sight - the contortion, the normal human features hieroglyphic with terrible meaning. “Where I should have been allowed to go! To the tomb!”
Features HIEROGLYPHIC WITH TERRIBLE MEANING? What in the name of Bela Lugosi is that supposed to mean? Most of the shocking revelations uncovered during the course of the story—and trust me, they couldn’t be more shocking or revelatory if the author came up to you and bludgeoned you to death with the BATON OF FORBODING—brought to mind the exchange Cloris Leachman and Gene Wilder had in Young Frankenstein.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: You played that music in the middle of the night…
Frau Blücher: Yes.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: … to get us to the laboratory.
Frau Blücher: Yes.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: That was YOUR cigar smoldering in the ashtray.
Frau Blücher: Yes.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: And it was you … who left my grandfather’s book out for me to find.
Frau Blücher: Yes.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: So that I would …
Frau Blücher: Yes.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Then you and Victor were…
Frau Blücher: YES. YES. Say it. He vas my… BOYFRIEND.
(Cue flash of lightning.)
Yup, there’s nothing like a good historical thriller.
And that was nothing like a good historical thriller. Zing!
stephanie said,
February 18, 2006 at 12:40 am
Oh dear. I’ve already failed once to make it pastt he first few pages of this book and now it looks even less likely that I will ever read it. Too bad because it could have been so interesting - it had a nice premise. Oh well….
So - what do you think of the new “yellow” cars? The ones that run on (what I am assuming from the commerical) corn based bio-diesel fuel. Are the “yellow” cars really “green”??
Anna said,
February 18, 2006 at 12:06 pm
Yep. Read it. Hated it.
Jean said,
February 20, 2006 at 2:50 am
Dammit you’re making me feel like I’ve wasted 16 good dollars on it.
The Worsted Witch » Good Things said,
February 20, 2006 at 8:50 pm
[...] As far as tree-hugging goes, heaven knows the hub and I aren’t perfect. In fact I’m pretty sure there are things we continue to do that are downright ungreen. *cough*chekhovhasawaterfountain*cough*. Not that we don’t try, of course. (And by “we”, I mean mostly me unless I look at the hub with my features HIEROGLYPHIC WITH TERRIBLE MEANING.) As the faboo Umbra of Grist says in her Consumption Manifesto, however, feeling guilty only makes you sad. So don’t sweat the small stuff—focus on what you CAN do, rather than what you can’t. [...]
Esther said,
February 21, 2006 at 1:15 pm
Girl I’m still laughing over here over your comments about The Historian. I finished it about 2 months ago and I kept thinking MY GOD this will never end…but I had hopes that at some point it would “really” pick up - uh, no. I really was disappointed with this TOME…lol
I also laughed out loud at the comment about kay jewelers, gold, vaginas - absolutely FANTASTIC ;-)
Katherine said,
February 22, 2006 at 4:39 pm
I was just connected to your blog a couple of days ago. So, belatedly, I MUST comment on your review of The Historian. I, too, was lured into reading it. I even BOUGHT it as soon as it came out, the very first time in my life I have every paid for a new hardback book of fiction, because I heard an interview with the author and I thought it sounded great! It was terrible. Terrible terrible. Hilariously awful. You have summed up the ridiculousness of the book with the passage you quoted. And the premise was NOT what I thought. It’s as if the reviewers hadn’t read the book. I guess I’ll go back to my non-book-buying ways.
Summer said,
April 5, 2006 at 1:17 am
You are so right on about this book. I’ve had 25 pages left for about three months now. Never not finished a book…..until this one. Painful.